Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
