He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
