i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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