You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
