I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
