on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
