i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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