I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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