Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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