What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
