what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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