The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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