You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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