you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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