Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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