he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
