He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
