I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
