it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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