does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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