Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
