and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
