Can i not drive my cunt home
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
