this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Randomize
