How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
