Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
