I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
