Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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