Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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