Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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