i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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