Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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