And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
