someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
