dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
