He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
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He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She needs sedatives and a leash
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I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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