My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
