Your dad touched me again.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
