My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
