If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
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I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
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Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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