Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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