Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
