Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
