i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
