My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
