I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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