He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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