you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
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i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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