weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Please don't give away my fajitas
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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