I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
