i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there's paper in my vomit.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
