Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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