Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
