I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
