I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
