But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
